Not a Christmas post...

There are so many things in life that I can say I am happy to have been through. Of these things, most of them are also things that I think everyone should experience. Love, parenthood, career success...etc. I also have a list of things that I have had happen/I have done that I don't recommend anyone try but I am so glad to have been through them. Dare I say that they make me who I am? Why yes, I believe I do.

1. Natural childbirth. There are very few things that I do really, really fast. Having babies is one of them. While I would like to say that during the process of having my last child I was stoic and calm and not begging for narcotics, that would be a total lie. I was screaming, my mama was screaming, I was BEGGING for something, anything...just please give me a shot! The nurse threatened to remove my mama from the delivery room and for I think the first time I heard her fling a string of obscenities across a room like a sailor. But that being said, I am glad that there was no time for drugs. I did it and have very little recollection of it now. This makes me know that pain is temporary and kind of helps me to be less of a whiny brat when I am sick or something hurts. And I get total bragging rights. Broken hand? Too bad, try natural childbirth...

2. Shaving my head. Two years ago I challenged coworkers to raise $1,000 for the Susan Komen Breast Cancer Foundation and agreed that if they did then I would allow them to shave my head at work. They raised it. I learned so many lessons. It takes being someone that strangers stare at to make you stop staring at strangers. I got sympathetic head nods from so many people that assumed I was sick. The cashier at our usual lunch bunch spot said, "Um, didn't you used to have....hair?" I came to appreciate my hair in a way I can't explain. I have always had thick, heavy, hot hair and it has driven me crazy for most of my life. But when I had NO hair, hot hair is all I craved. I realized too that it is possible to feel feminine with a shaved head but also that I don't ever want to have to do it again.

3. Marrying the wrong person. Spending years in an unhappy and unhealthy marriage didn't ruin me or break me. It just made me know how it SHOULD be. I won't make the same mistakes I did last time. I won't ignore the same things or accept the same things. More than all this, I will recognize when I have it really, really good (which I so do now).

4. Gaining weight. Seriously. I admit to trying like hell to lose it. But I am glad that I know what it is like to be overweight. It's one of those things that you can't imagine unless you've done it. Again, I am not recommending anyone do it. But I am glad I did. And I will be even more glad when I lose it.

5. Losing a friend. I totally absorb my friends. When a friend leaves my life for whatever reason I feel like a part of me is gone. I do know that while losing important friends is not something I strive for, it does make me appreciate the friends that I have left more. It also makes me more aware of the ways in which my friends affect me, whether good or bad.

6. Leaving a friend. When you make the decision to move on from a friendship that is toxic to you or to the other person, it is tough. I am trying this new thing lately of recognizing the difference between being supportive and being an enabler when it comes to my friends. There is a point where you have to stop supporting bad decisions and I have been really bad at realizing that until recently. While my friends might not like losing the old Jana, the one that was always cheering them on no matter what, I think that I will be a better friend in the end. We are not kids any more. And sometimes you just have to move on.

There are more that are too personal to share...but it made me feel good to list these.

Peace, ya'll,
Jana

(My friend Rudy always signed his blog "Peace, ya'll." It always made me smile so much to read those two words. He recently passed away and I thought of him as I was finishing this. I wanted to carry on his "Peace, ya'll" thing...I may not remember to do it every time, but when I do I will think of him and smile big.)

An open apology to Mr. Chad Poovey

I was thinking last night of a conversation that I had with an instructor of mine at Hinds back in around 2001. I had resisted getting a cell phone for years and I was totally judgy about people that always had their phone in their hand. I made the bold prediction that I would never even HAVE a cell phone, much less use one regularly. Mr. Poovey, consider this an open apology. I was wrong in judging you for checking your phone during lectures.

Over the years I eventually got a cell, of course. For a while, I stood firm and fussed at people if they called me on it for anything that wasn't an emergency. But slowly and surely, I caved. It started out small...adding 100 texts a month to my plan or upping my minutes. When I got my first internet connected phone three years ago, I realized I was in for total, hypocritical trouble.

As of this morning, I have downloaded a fifth app to my phone to further my connectedness. What this means, to put it simply is that I am totally addicted to the instant access that my Blackberry affords me. Is it really necessary that I can see a photo someone tagged of me as soon as it happens?

I know for certain that I check my phone as the last thing I do before I fall asleep. I also admit to checking it if I wake up in the night (we can all pretend it is to see what time it is, but come on...if there's a new text, I am so reading it). I am not ashamed to admit that the reason I use my phone as my alarm is so that when I pick it up to turn the buzz off, I see how many emails came in the 3 hours since I looked at it last when I got up for water.

If you need me and you can't call me, you can send me a text. Don't have your phone handy? Just send me an email. Blackberry user? BBM me! No Blackberry? That's OK, hit me up on GChat! Feeling the need for some PDA? Send me an @ Tweet and everyone will see it! Facebook stalking today? Just send me a comment, my phone will go wild!

Now that my new job requires me to spend at least 60% of my time managing the social networking for the mall, I am in even more deep. I am currently in the process of linking the work Facebook and Twitter to my phone so that I can have them at my fingertips at all times as well. While I have thus far managed to resist the urge to have my work email sent to my Blackberry, I am sure that it's just a matter of time before I give in on that front too.

There was an episode of Margaret Cho's short lived VH1 show where she asked all her friends to go to a cabin for the weekend with her and when they got there she took their phones away and locked them up. I believe the point was to see how long it took before people started trying to kill each other...or more specifically her since she had the key to the cabinet where their phones were. I can relate. If I can't find my phone for 2 minutes I freak out. What if I miss a text??

I think that I should challenge myself to disconnect regularly. I could start out small...say 3 hours on Saturday. I would not only turn off the phone, but also give it to someone for safe keeping so I don't sneak in a check or two. It would be like a 12 step program for smartphone addicts like me...Eventually I could work my way back down to a regular phone that I could call for help on if stranded on the side of the road.

Who am I kidding?


"Son, no one gives a shit about all the things your cell phone does. You didn't invent it, you just bought it. Anybody can do that." ~www.twitter.com/shitmydadsays (yeah, it's sent to my phone)

And that is the saddest of all, my girl....

Ken and I watched the movie Adventureland last night. Both of us being total music lovers, we enjoyed the soundtrack just as much as the story line. We also both count mix tapes high on the list of our favorite things, so a scene where a mix tape called J's Bummer Songs caught both of our attention. We agreed to the challenge of the best bummer mix tape. I don't know who will be the judge. Like everything else, we will just decide that we both win...Secretly, I know that he has a much stronger musical focus than I do and his tape will blow mine out of the water, but don't tell him that. And yes, when I say tape I am actually referring to a CD.

So I have started my list. I will try to remember to share it later. In thinking about what I wanted to include, I realized that there are so many wonderful, beautiful, heartbreaking songs that I love that it will be hard to narrow it down to 18 or 19. This is my honorable mention list of 10.

1. If It's the Beaches - The Avett Brothers. Neither of us can use this one because we both love it so much that it cancels each other out. Really, anything by The Avett Brothers is cheating (just like bacon).

2. Space Oddity - David Bowie. "Ground control to major Tom, your circuits dead, there's something wrong." Ugh.

3. Brick - Ben Folds Five. Tragic. What can I say? "Now that I have found someone I'm feeling more alone than I ever have before." Saddest of all, it's true.

4. Tomorrow, Wendy - Concrete Blonde. I dare you to listen to it.

5. Eleanor Rigby - The Beatles. "Eleanor Rigby died in the church and was buried along with her name. Nobody came."

6. Luka - Susan Vega. Whatever. Listen to the lyrics of this pop song and you will hear one of the saddest stories there could be.

7. Fire and Rain- James Taylor. Not only one of my favorite sad songs, one of my favorite songs period. "I always thought that I'd see you again..."

8. Comfortable - John Mayer. Shut up. I love JM. I have often said that this song makes me want to fall in love, get dumped, and be broken-hearted just so I can sing it with the ferver and emotion that it deserves.

9. Always On My Mind - Willie Nelson. Classic story of too little, too late. Get's me every time.

10. Beloved Wife - Natalie Merchant. "A depth so deep into my grief without my beloved soul I renounce my life." It was hard for me to decide between this one and "Seven Years" (both are from Tigerlilly, Natalie Merchant's first solo album).

Listing these 10 has made me think of at least 20 more that are noteworthy. I can remember so many times in my life where I was devastated for one reason or another and the perfect song made me feel altogether better and so much worst all at the same time. This particular verse from the song "That Day" by Poe was the nail in the coffin of a particularly lengthy breakup:



Oh yeah, something else...

I hope one day you call up your father

And you have the guts to tell him how he hurt you

And he made you hurt another

Cause it makes me sad.



There are at least 25 songs by Tori Amos that could be on this list of 10. Same goes for Dar Williams. And Jonatha Brooke. And...the list goes on and on. Then of course there are those songs that make you sad not necessarily because they are the saddest of all but because they hold significance for a particular time or event. I better not start listing those...I could write that post all day.



So here's the challenge: Listen to these 10 songs and see if you don't at least sigh a little. If I listen to all 10 in a row I will be a blubbering fool. Or if you don't like my picks, think about your own. Music is such a driving force. Let it drive you wherever you need to go.



"Put on some old sad bastard music, see if I care." - Jack Black, High Fidelity

We know nothing.

I spend alot of time trying to explain Asperger's Syndrome to people. I have become quite educated about AS since we knew that Addison had it before the doctors would even test him for it.

When someone asks me about it, I usually try to first explain that AS takes away the ability for the person that has it to understand the affect their actions has on other people. In Addison's world, what he does is only of consequence to Addison. People with Asperger's are usually described as aloof, cold, or even at times rude. To you, it may seem extremely rude or undisciplined for my child to tell you that he doesn't want to talk to you right now and wants you to leave him alone. To Addison, this is just a fact and isn't malicious or meant to be hurtful. There is no way to teach a person with AS how to be more socially graceful. My focus shifted a long time ago from trying to change the way he is to trying to change the way people accept him.

People mean well. They think they have the answers. People generally believe that they can fix Addison for me. I stopped letting it bother me a long time ago, but it still doesn't go un-noticed. Have I considered not immunizing him any further? Why yes, I have. Did I hear that a special diet can CURE autism? As a matter of fact I not only heard it, I tried it and it resulted in a mad and hungry little boy that still couldn't look people in the eye. Are you the first person to suggest that he just needs a good spanking? Um, no...you aren't. Have I prayed enough? Read enough books? Taken him to enough doctors? Tried this medication or that medication? Yes, yes, and yes again. If I could have these folks understand one thing it would be this...I stopped trying to change Addison a long time ago. He is accepted 100% just the way he is in my house. If you aren't one of the people that can accept him 100% just the way he is, then maybe you should stay home.

His obsessions rule his life and leave him unable to think about anything else. Some of his obsessions are long lasting (World of Warcraft, for example) and some will last a few hours and then never be mentioned again (the need to use a pencil with a certain color eraser at school which happened recently and resulted in a trip to the principal's office). Lately he has become quite infatuated with listening to ring tones on people's cells. What may seem silly or necessary to me or you might be the most important thing in the world to someone with AS. The thing I try to remind Addison's brothers, friends, everyone else is that if there's not a good reason why you shouldn't just let Addison do what he feels like he needs to do, then why not let him do it? This is not just indulgence of a kid that likes to get his way. An obsession is a deep rooted NEED for someone with AS. That being said, there are times where it is necessary not to partake in an obsession. World of Warcraft almost led to my commitment to Whitfield. Before WOW was banned from our household I would sometimes wake up at 3:00 a.m. to find Addison fully awake at the computer staring blindly at the screen, playing the game. He talked about nothing else for months. I had to take it away from him because it was interfering with the rest of all of our lives and causing him total anxiety and agitation. But listening to ringtones? Come on, let's choose our battles!

The things I wish that people would recognize are simple:

-There's nothing wrong with my child. If he makes you uncomfortable then we understand if you prefer to keep your visits short and sweet.

-You don't need to figure out adjectives that describe Addison when you are trying to point out that he isn't like your son. I don't need you to call him quirky, different, or special and I don't need to you refer to other kids as the normal ones, the regular ones, or whatever else you feel you need to do to distinguish them from each other. They are all just kids. It is fine, however if you want to call him smart, funny, sweet, handsome, or anything else that addresses how wonderful he is. Thanks.

-Staring at my son when he is mimicking something he saw on TV or a computer game is just like staring at anyone else with a disability. You wouldn't stare at a little boy in a wheelchair trying to figure out what is "wrong" with him, would you?

-Most importantly...however hard this is on me or Addison's brothers or other family members or teachers or anyone else the most important thing everyone needs to know is that it is HARDEST on Addison. He asks me often, "Can't you make this Asperger's go away?" We know nothing about dealing with Asperger's. Nothing at all.


Someone once told me that kids with Asperger's live in their own world and it was our job as their parent to not try to bring them to this world but to find our own way into their world. I may have gotten the wording of that wrong, but I like the thought.

Sweet Potato Pie and I shut my mouth

Thanksgiving Week, ya'll! This week, I really want to focus on staying nice and positive and...well...giving thanks. It has been a really big year for me. I have had both the highest of highs and the lowest of lows this year. My family endured tragedy with the death of my uncle and we are still dealing with that daily. Trying to find a way out of that darkness has been a test for me. It has made me question both the faith that I have and the lack of faith that I have had. I don't know if that makes sense.

It has been a year of ups and downs with Addison. We have been thru new doctors, new medicines, new schools, etc. Coming out of the woods? Maybe. I am always hopeful with him at year's end. My mantra...next year things will all come together for my boy.

Perhaps the most surprising happening of the year has been my decision to move back home to Vicksburg. When I left here in 2002 I was absolutely certain that I would never really even want to come back to Vicksburg for a visit. I don't claim to understand the way the mind or the heart works, but for this last year I have felt like I was just away from home. Ocean Springs is beautiful, charming, progressive, artsy, and you can't get much better than the air down there. It is a great place to live and to raise kids. What it isn't is home. It's amazing the little things that you remember you loved when you move away from a place. A certain bend in a road, buildings that hold some significance or another, the familiarity of it all...I hope I never take any of it for granted again.

The need to come home led to the hugeness of me leaving my job at Global after nearly four years and take a job doing something totally opposite of what I have always done. I am settling into my new non-technical job as an administrative and marketing assistant. I go thru days of wondering what the hell I am doing here answering these phones and making coffee and copies. But at the end of the day when I go home and I leave my work at work and I get to enjoy my family...answering the phones and making copies doesn't seem so bad. It's all what you make of it, right?

Not only glad to have had the good this year, I give thanks for all of my trials and tribulations as well. They have taught me lessons about myself and that's never a bad thing! They have also taught me that the importance of family and friends cannot be measured and that just when you think you can't take any more, you not only take more but you conquer it. This year has been hectic, exciting, heartbreaking, overwhelming, great, and so much more I can only look to next year and wonder what it will bring. I believe with all certainty that no matter what it is, I am ready.